Understanding the Emotional Layers of Grief
What does it truly mean to grieve, and why does every loss feel different?
Grief is never just one feeling. It is an emotional storm, rising and falling without warning. Some days feel hollow. Others are filled with sudden tears over a song, a scent, or a memory that comes rushing in. In From Grief to Grace, therapist Anita Salek Aasen opens a window into the lived experience of loss. Through her story, we begin to understand that grief is not about letting go. It is about holding on differently.
At the heart of her journey is the loss of Lou, her cousin and closest friend. Their bond was deep, built from a lifetime of shared laughter and support. His illness and death didn’t just bring sadness. It brought confusion, disbelief, rage, and eventually, a quiet transformation.
The First Layer: Shock and Numbness
When the call comes, everything changes in an instant—yet the change doesn’t fully register. The air feels different, heavier, and yet you keep breathing as if nothing happened. That’s what Anita shares in the early chapters. After Lou’s diagnosis, it was as though a curtain had dropped between her and the rest of the world. She moved through her days like a shadow of herself, watching life unfold but not truly participating in it. She went through the motions—working, speaking, eating—yet each action felt hollow, disconnected from meaning.
The words she had heard about Lou’s illness floated in her mind but refused to settle into reality. This is often the first layer of grief: shock and numbness. The body keeps moving forward because it must, but the heart has frozen in place, unable or unwilling to absorb the truth. The world feels unreal, as if someone has tilted it just slightly, and nothing sits where it should anymore.
The Second Layer: Anger, Fear, and Guilt
Once the numbness fades, something sharper takes its place. Anita describes moments when she questioned everything. Her faith. Her own actions. Her silence when she wished she had said more.
This is where grief starts to twist inward. You ask why, even when there is no answer. You replay conversations. You wonder if something could have changed the outcome.
Grief often creates tension between holding on and letting go. It feels heavy because it is. You’re carrying every moment you wish could have lasted longer.
The Third Layer: Remembering and Regret
As time passes, memories rise to the surface. In Anita’s case, she found herself sifting through old photographs with Lou just hours before another family death. That memory became sacred. She did not remember what they said. She remembered how it felt.
Grief begins to soften when we allow ourselves to remember without resistance. But this can also bring a wave of regret. Regret for the things unsaid. Regret for the things left undone. That’s the emotional weight of this layer. You love the person deeply, and you grieve them fully. There is no shortcut through it.
The Fourth Layer: Searching for Meaning
Anita’s grief eventually became spiritual. She found herself revisiting childhood prayers. At times, she admitted she was angry at God and unsure of what to believe anymore. This is a layer that many experience in silence. It is a time of questioning and searching. You try to find a reason behind the pain. Or at the very least, a way to make sense of the suffering.
This is also where grief can start to change shape. It does not leave, but it begins to guide. The questions lead to reflection. The reflection leads to purpose.
The Fifth Layer: Quiet Acceptance and Transformation
There is no final stage in grief. But there is a shift. For Anita, that shift came not with answers, but with time. She began to talk to Lou even after he was gone. She saw him in signs, felt him in moments, and allowed his memory to shape the way she helped others.
Acceptance is not about being okay with the loss. It is about understanding that love remains. The relationship continues, but it looks different. It lives on in the way you show up for others. In the way you live your life with greater empathy.
Grief Is Not a Timeline. It Is a Landscape.
One of the most powerful messages in From Grief to Grace is that grief cannot be measured. It is not about how many months have passed. It is about how deeply we loved. And when that love was strong, the grief would be just as deep.
But as Anita reminds us, it is possible to walk through the pain and come out changed. Not healed in the way the world expects, but softened, wiser, and more open. Because grief, at its core, is not only about loss. It is about continuing love.